Our guest column this week is written by Harry Felski. He is a world renown
and expert in Hot Dog Training, Taming, and Racing. Harry received the
“Fastest Wiener” award in 2019 for winning the Nathan’s Hotdog Racing
Competition. Other accolades include “Best Wiener in Show - Wienstminster
Dog Show 2017” and “Biggest Sausage - White Brat Open 2018”.
Everywhere I go people ask me, “Harry, where did our country go wrong?” Most
people want a simple answer, and it’s hard to give them that. Between the
Lizard People, Illuminati, and Satanists we can’t pick one group to blame. I
usually just tell them that the root issue is our broken economic systems
and social structures. That’s right, Ladies and Gentleman, I’m talking about
office lunches.
Salads, wraps, soups, pasta, and thin slices of deli meat sadly folded on
cheap bread. Pair any one of those options with a Kwik Trip Best Buddy of
coffee and you’ve got the diet of your average corporate wage-cuck.
I say no more! It’s time to take our lunch back to its humble roots – and
therefore our country. I propose a strict boycott of these other lunch
options in trade of America’s meal: hotdogs and soda.
When I saw Oz Doggz out front of the glass prison I call my office, I jumped
on the opportunity to seize our country back – unlike several Beta’s who
work in the building. On a Wednesday afternoon I took my place in line
alongside a group of patriots. We bid our time, refusing to exchange a word
like the silent majority that we are.
When it was my turn, I ordered a simple, good ol’ fashioned, American made
wiener from the Guy Fieri impersonator who also worked as the chef and clerk
(a real triple threat). It was an authentic all beef sausage with mustard,
onions, and relish. It’s a little something I like to call “The Patriot”
(You can buy it now on my website – Use code “BetaSoyTears” to save 10% at
checkout). The sausage that I got was nothing less than perfect: A huge
sausage bursting out the bun, soaked in condiments that tasted just like
“The Patriot” should (check my store for more information).
My rating?
Call me right now please!